Dateline: Damascus, Syria, 4  January 321 BC

• After months of travel westward from Babylon, the miles-long funeral cortege of Alexander the Great took a bizarre detour today after an unknown number of attendants and honor guards accompanying the expired leader’s body were killed in a melee.
• The fracas began when the record attendance-breaking cortege approached Damascus, Syria, and was met by Ptolemy I of Egypt, one of the successor generals, and his army. Instead of the expected ceremony to honor his fallen commander, the 40-year-old generalissimo ordered his troops to forcibly divert the mule-drawn cortege and its glittering burden.
• As he headed south, Ptolemy shouted, “I’m not doing this for myself! Alex would have wanted it this way.”
• The cortege was last seen heading toward the Egyptian capital city of Memphis. A surviving eyewitness of the debacle, identified as the overseer of the official Mellify Muletrain, said, “Blinkin’ Ptolemy snatched up the Great One without so much as a by-your-leave. Worse yet, he stole 64 of my best mules. I ask you–who’s going to reimburse me for my loss?”

Alex, on the road again

Dateline: Babylon, 14 June 322 BC

• Perdiccas, one of the inner circle of Macedonians around the late Alexander the Great, announced today that the funeral cortege and catafalque will get “in all likelihood” leave Babylon this week. Regent for the deceased’s new son, Perdiccas is also the aftermath coordinator for worshipful activities.  This month will mark the first anniversary of Alex’s death on 11 June  323 BC.
• When asked to elaborate on the unconscionable delay, the Regent’s spokesperson appeared defensive. “You know how these things snowball. The custom-made conveyance for Alex isn’t simply a funeral car, it’s a traveling temple made of gold, with matching lions, wall-to-wall painted friezes, 24-carat bells, whistles, and what-not. The thing is blinding.”
• Addressing fiscal issues, he admitted, “Yes, we’ve had holdups and cost overruns, but for such an elaborate sendoff, it’s to be expected. Luckily, Alex hadn’t spent all that Persian loot.”
• The cortege will move at a snail’s pace so that mourners throughout the vast region can watch it pass. Whistle-stops in each town will allow maximum striving to outdo the next with lavish honors. Locals along the parade route, however, already report worrisome incidents of tourism abuse, such as the skyrocketing rentals being charged for roadside hovels.

Aristotle in his prime, on right.

Dateline: Babylon,  6 July, 323 BC

• Today a shocking claim surfaced regarding the premature death of  worldbeater Alexander the Great in June of this year. Implicated in the complex, inter-continental scheme is celebrated Greek philosopher Aristotle, who taught Alexander for three years before the teenager became Great.
• The alleged plot revolves around an unusual toxin, the waters of the River Styx. According to uncorroborated reports from Babylon, Pella,
and Athens, the caustic brew was supposedly provided by the famed philosopher, now sixty-something and retired.  The deadly water, found only in the Underworld, would have  traveled thousands of miles to reach the city of Babylon. Informants insist that the secret weapon must have been carried in a mule’s hoof, well known to be the only receptacle capable of safely containing the fatally frigid Styx brand of H2O.
• In other developments, bloggers broke the story that Cassander and Ptolemy, two of the principals vying for the late Great’s empire, had longstanding ties to Aristotle. With schoolmate Alex, they’d studied at the feet of the now-venerable old codger and putative poisoner mastermind. The two men declined to comment, saying that they were “way too busy arguing about who gets what to dignify this with an official statement.”

Hellish locale of River Styx: source of icy Alex killer?

Dateline: Babylon,  30 June 323 BC
• “I’m having Alexander the Great’s baby–and you losers are not!” announced Roxane, outspoken daughter of a powerful Bactrian nobleman. Mrs. Great is one of several widows to whom the recently deceased world conquerer was married simultaneously.
• At her press conference this week, Roxane introduced other Alexandrine widows and mistresses invited to Babylon for a mass mourning get-together and baby shower. Most prominent among the attendees was Barstine, daughter of the late King Darius and Queen Statira of Persia. Young Barstine wed Alexander last year in the first-ever Guiness Book mass-marriage ceremony, along with 79 other Macedonian-Persian couples. Her mother Statira had also been one of Alexander’s earlier mistresses until her death in childbirth.
• In a bold attempt to share the limelight with co-wife Roxane, Barstine held a followup press conference at which she announced her own happy news of a stork on the way.

• At the already-somber baby shower that followed, Barstine and her sister Drypetis died suddenly while enjoying the hospitality of co-hosts Roxane and Perdiccas, Regent to Alexander’s unborn child. The co-hosts were quick to extend condolences to the family, as well as exchange mystified looks when the sisters’ bodies were found, inexplicably stuffed down a Babylonian well.

Mob scene as Alex, Barstine, 79 couples tie knot.

Dateline: Babylon, 28 June 323 BC
• In an exultant media release today, Babylonian officials boasted about  the economic upswing resulting from the elaborate preparations for the remains and transport of Alexander the Great, who expired on 11  June in this teeming city on the Euphrates River.
• “The Great One considered Babylon to be his ‘new capital,’” said a high-ranking official,  further confiding, “Sure, his army guys spent a ton on riotous living and our overpriced food and drink, but unemployment here has been fierce. Now, with thousands of artisans gainfully employed for Marduk knows how long—and no outsourcing, either—plus the new hires among professional mourners, things are looking up for Babylon.”
• Operating under ultra-tight security, an elite crew of master artisans is fashioning a coffin of intricately worked gold in which the mellified leader will repose. Others close to the project dispute the coffin leak, claiming instead that Alexander’s remains will be sheathed in a formfitting bodysuit of beaten gold plates, then placed within a second gold casket.
• In related news, economists note that manufacturers of garish mementos have not been idle. From Mesopotamia to Sicily, the production and advance sell-through of gaudy souvenirs, Alexander the Great busts,  and I heart Alex coinage are pushing consumer confidence levels to new heights around the Mediterranean basin.   ♥

click to enlarge

Merchants busy, hawking Alex souvenirs.

Dateline: Pella, Macedon, 26 June 323 BC

• Queen Olympias of Macedon, mother of Alexander the Great, has reacted with fury, grief, and paranoia at the news from Babylon, where earlier this month her son was stricken with mystery fevers and paralysis from which he failed to recover.
• “That miserable climate!” the haggard but still stylish queen
declared through tears. “I told him not to go so far east—what’s the point
of conquering the world if it looks like that hellhole!”
• She immediately called for the execution of the “quacks” who attended Alexander.
• Although it appears that her busy schedule of ecstatic Orphic rites, serpent charming, and house arrest does not permit her to leave the heavily guarded palace, the queen demanded that her son’s body be returned to his homeland.
• “He deserves a proper Macedonian burial—one befitting the son of Zeus, who by the way really impregnated me,” the queen asserted, muttering, “—and not that (expletive deleted) vulgarian Philip.”
• Known for her adherence to sustainable practices, Queen Olympias was mollified to learn that her son was being mellified. “Even as a child, that boy could sweet-talk a Gorgon. And now he’s resting in organic honey for eternity. Wow.”

Dateline: Babylon, 22 June 323 BC

• High-level talks continue between military rivals Perdiccas, Ptolemy, Seleucus, Antipater, Antigonus, Cassander, and other acknowledged contenders for the mantle of Alexander the Great, but disputes between the negotiating teams have become increasingly rancorous.
• The principals, however, shrugged off notions of plots or foul play. “Just because everybody is at each others’ throats doesn’t mean that we, or they, or anybody killed him,” huffed one of the frontrunners.
• For his part, the press secretary for All Things Alex also downplayed the general antagonism, saying, “It’s not surprising. After all, vast territories lightly conquered by the super-warrior are at stake. Talk about wearing a lot of hats: the man was not only King of Macedon, he was King of Kings of Persia, Pharoah of Egypt, and Lord of Asia.”
• The secretary went on to say, “You ask me, the real nightmare are those 15 or more planned cities, all of them named ‘Alexandria.’ That’ll be a real head-banger to sort out.”
Meanwhile, a crack mellification team continues work on an around-the-waterclock basis, embalming Alexander with honey. The team’s top experts are tight-lipped about the spices and other ingredients used in the process, referring to them only as “a special secret sauce.”

The extent of Alexander the Great’s empire

Alex died in the palace built by Nebuchadnezzar, former King of Persia.

Dateline: Babylon, 16 June 323 BC
• Members of Alexander the Great’s inner circle were taken aback upon learning today that their fallen leader had made pre-need arrangements for the exacting honey embalming process called mellification.
Postmortem, the body of the 32-year-old wunderkind sat around in stifling heat for a week until the arrival of an elite team of Chaldean embalmers this afternoon.
• “To be honest, we expected to find a real mess,” the chief embalmer was quoted as saying. “Summer in this part of the world is no picnic. But his kingly corpse was fresh as a daisy—not a solitary maggot.”
The embalmers’ painstaking operations within the palace were interrupted by sporadic violence between the infantry and cavalry units of Alexander’s army. Shouting anti-mellification slogans, the men came to blows over the merits of burial versus funeral pyre.
• Elsewhere, local dignitaries anxious to provide a flawless sendoff
are scrambling to obtain the highest-quality honey for the closely guarded process. A Babylonian businessman whose jars of liquid gold were among those chosen, was all smiles. “We used to curse the little conqueror; now we bless him.  Who knows? Perhaps we’ll even get certified organic.”

Dateline: Babylon, 11  June 323 BC

This morning, an elite triage unit of soothsayers and other medical experts rushed to the palatial Babylonian bedside of world conqueror Alexander the Great, only to see their frantic efforts, including a 3-piglet sacrifice and an entrail reading, fail to revive him. The seemingly indestructible Macedonian had been stricken with abdominal pains and
high fever for two weeks, following a mid-May junket into a mosquito-infested swamp.
Reporters also learned that during one of several all-nighter
drinking sessions in late May, Alex experienced what close friends called  “sudden, sword-stabbing agony.”
Finger-pointing and the blame game immediately began, spearheaded by Aristander, longtime prediction consultant to the newly-expired leader.  Professionals from Babylon’s ominous portents division were quick to respond. Their spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, volunteered several shocking relevations. “Frankly, King Alexander had already upset our Persian god Marduk by entering Babylon through the unlucky west gate. To make amends, Alex offered to rebuild our city’s ziggurat—and then reneged on the deal! To our minds, that clinched his fate.”
Shortly after Alexander’s top aides made his death public, outpourings of anguish convulsed the city, necessitating a rush order for a cadre of grief counselers. Their lament tents will remain open daily near the Gates of Ishtar to help sorrowing throngs cope with the tragedy

• Melissa is a popular name these days– from melissae, the honeybee priestesses of ancient Greece. Their delicious name comes from meli or honey, a substance vastly more important in long-ago lives than in ours. (more…)