Dateline: Pella, Macedon, 26 June 323 BC
• Queen Olympias of Macedon, mother of Alexander the Great, has reacted with fury, grief, and paranoia at the news from Babylon, where earlier this month her son was stricken with mystery fevers and paralysis from which he failed to recover.
• “That miserable climate!” the haggard but still stylish queen
declared through tears. “I told him not to go so far east—what’s the point
of conquering the world if it looks like that hellhole!”
• She immediately called for the execution of the “quacks” who attended Alexander.
• Although it appears that her busy schedule of ecstatic Orphic rites, serpent charming, and house arrest does not permit her to leave the heavily guarded palace, the queen demanded that her son’s body be returned to his homeland.
• “He deserves a proper Macedonian burial—one befitting the son of Zeus, who by the way really impregnated me,” the queen asserted, muttering, “—and not that (expletive deleted) vulgarian Philip.”
• Known for her adherence to sustainable practices, Queen Olympias was mollified to learn that her son was being mellified. “Even as a child, that boy could sweet-talk a Gorgon. And now he’s resting in organic honey for eternity. Wow.”