Dateline: Babylon, 28 June 323 BC
• In an exultant media release today, Babylonian officials boasted about the economic upswing resulting from the elaborate preparations for the remains and transport of Alexander the Great, who expired on 11 June in this teeming city on the Euphrates River.
• “The Great One considered Babylon to be his ‘new capital,’” said a high-ranking official, further confiding, “Sure, his army guys spent a ton on riotous living and our overpriced food and drink, but unemployment here has been fierce. Now, with thousands of artisans gainfully employed for Marduk knows how long—and no outsourcing, either—plus the new hires among professional mourners, things are looking up for Babylon.”
• Operating under ultra-tight security, an elite crew of master artisans is fashioning a coffin of intricately worked gold in which the mellified leader will repose. Others close to the project dispute the coffin leak, claiming instead that Alexander’s remains will be sheathed in a formfitting bodysuit of beaten gold plates, then placed within a second gold casket.
• In related news, economists note that manufacturers of garish mementos have not been idle. From Mesopotamia to Sicily, the production and advance sell-through of gaudy souvenirs, Alexander the Great busts, and I heart Alex coinage are pushing consumer confidence levels to new heights around the Mediterranean basin. ♥
click to enlarge
Merchants busy, hawking Alex souvenirs.
Can I just say how MUCH I am enjoying this? And really, I must have my very own I heart Alex coin. This is awesome.
The funny thing is, this is probably closer to the truth than we want to think.
@ librarypat: the thing is, I try to stay very close to the best and most authentic sources for these episodes but I take great liberties with the tone, which is both impudent and incongruously modern (because it’s funnier that way)