Dateline: Babylon, 6 July, 323 BC
• Today a shocking claim surfaced regarding the premature death of worldbeater Alexander the Great in June of this year. Implicated in the complex, inter-continental scheme is celebrated Greek philosopher Aristotle, who taught Alexander for three years before the teenager became Great.
• The alleged plot revolves around an unusual toxin, the waters of the River Styx. According to uncorroborated reports from Babylon, Pella,
and Athens, the caustic brew was supposedly provided by the famed philosopher, now sixty-something and retired. The deadly water, found only in the Underworld, would have traveled thousands of miles to reach the city of Babylon. Informants insist that the secret weapon must have been carried in a mule’s hoof, well known to be the only receptacle capable of safely containing the fatally frigid Styx brand of H2O.
• In other developments, bloggers broke the story that Cassander and Ptolemy, two of the principals vying for the late Great’s empire, had longstanding ties to Aristotle. With schoolmate Alex, they’d studied at the feet of the now-venerable old codger and putative poisoner mastermind. The two men declined to comment, saying that they were “way too busy arguing about who gets what to dignify this with an official statement.”